I honestly don’t know why I claim to love this season so much. Lent has never been an easy time. It’s never been a joyful time. Usually it turns out to coincide with some of the gloomier days and darkest nights of my soul. This Lent has been no different really.
To start with, I only got through about half of my list of people to write letters to before I lost all motivation, partially because I spent a week traveling and forgot to bring the many books of stamps I bought in order to finish my goal. That leaves me with about 20 people who haven’t gotten a letter, and I’m about 13 weekdays of Lent behind. So I either work my butt off between now and Easter, or I leave 20 people wondering why they didn’t get a letter when other people did. Claaaaaasic.
Then you throw in trial. I spent two days in New York City and six days in Washington. Being there, I experienced a strong strong pull to just let it all go, that is, my faith. Everything I try to fight against strained to be freed and said “here is a place where you can be free to be who you are and do what you want where nobody will judge you and everyone will accept you. Look around you, look at the beautiful, happy, accepting, and did I mention beautiful people here, you know you want this.” It’s stupid really. It’s stupid to listen to that voice. I know who’s voice it is. But I let in that voice, I gave it audience. Enter struggle and turmoil. The same old stinking struggle and turmoil I’ve wrestled with before. Back and forth. World or eternity.
“You can’t take it with you.” That’s what I keep coming back to. Everything is like chaff in the wind. My youth, my…ahem…vitality…, the excitement of vice and pleasure, all of it will turn to dust, and blow away like sand. At the end you have nothing. You come into the world empty-handed and you leave the world empty-handed. So what is the point? Why would I leave behind all that is true and eternal to build up something that will not last? The answers are obvious and blunt. You wouldn’t. Doy!
But executing is not as simple. Aligning the will with knowledge is not so easy a task. The last two weeks have not been easy on the spiritual plane of existence. I need the closeness and the love and affection of Jesus. I need to commune with God. I need more than just the words of a promise, but the personal experience of relationship with the source of all being. So I ask Jesus and all my patrons to assist me.
Jesus, my soul cries to you from the depths to be all that I need.
Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for me.
St. Paul, pray for me.
St. Kateri Tekakwitha, pray for me.
St. Meinrad of Einsiedeln, pray for me.
St. Hubert, pray for me.
St. Erik of Sweden, pray for me.
St. Olaf, pray for me.
St. Sergius of Radonezh, pray for me.
O Holy Guardian Angel, pray for me!