Trial of Faith

Faith /fāTH/ a supernatural virtue by which we with the inspiration and assistance of God’s grace, believe those things to be true which He has revealed.

faithI don’t even know where to begin in writing about the distinct interaction between faith and same-sex attraction. It’s perhaps where I find the most in common with the non-believer who experiences same-sex attraction. I ask the same question: if this is wrong, why do I feel this way? I am not immune to this question simply because I believe in Jesus Christ and trust in his Church.

There are moments, hours, days, sometimes weeks at a time where I struggle greatly to believe those things which God has revealed to be true. It can be hard to remind oneself that a feeling is not the same as the truth; that just because I feel something does not mean that it is true.

The most difficult part about all of this is that these questions of doubt do not simply linger around the one moral question of homosexual behavior, but seeks to undermine my entire faith in the entire deposit of faith. And that is because I know that God isn’t a cafeteria choice. I don’t get to pick and choose which parts of God I like anymore than my friends can pick and choose which parts of me are real. I’m blond whether they believe my hair is blond or not. I’m 5’11 5/8” tall whether you believe that or not. You accept all of me, the parts you like and the parts you don’t, but you don’t get to cut me to pieces. The same is true with God.

So when doubts about sexual morality arise, doubts about my identity as a Catholic almost simultaneously arise. And that can be very stressful, as if struggling with same-sex attraction is not stressful enough. And I don’t know what’s worse, the stress of the doubts, or the fear, even in my moments of peace, that eventually, one of my rounds of doubts will permanently break me, that in a deep moment of desperation I will choose to leave the Faith and never look back. One can always feel strong in their faith at one moment, but we cannot foretell what might occur in the future that could make us stumble to the point of never recovering.

Simply put, we need intense prayers for faith, maybe more than any of the virtues I’ve already written about. To lose faith renders the other virtues dead and unimportant. If I lose my trust in God I have no use for prudence or justice or fortitude or temperance. So please, please pray for us.

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One thought on “Trial of Faith

  1. He is Lord of all, even our fears and doubts. Turn over ALL to Him. None of can do anything apart from Him. Grace is REAL. Pray for it. Wait for it. In His time, not ours. Thy will be done. Thy Kingdom come! Peace will be yours.

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