Every bone, muscle, fiber, and cell in my body moves to remain solitary tonight, and my spirit seconds that motion.
But I am going to force my self to socialize tonight. It’s so weird because I have no idea how such a thing will turn out. Either it will be great and it will dull a little bit of the sorrow I’m feeling lately, or it will rather quickly become a tedious and irksome task (despite hanging out with some great people) that will send me running for the door and back into the dark and cold, but at the same time warm, anti-social funk I’ve been occupying the last few weeks.
I’m curious to see if it seems to others that I’ve changed. I personally feel like I’ve changed emotionally and quite possible physically over the last couple of weeks since I’ve seen anybody outside of work. I wonder if people realize that I’m in pretty deep grief right now, among other feelings. I wonder if they will attempt to force me to “work out” my grief in ways that they think are best, or if they will keep conversation light. Will they comprehend the social cues I am sure to exhibit? I’m curious most of all about whether or not I will be able to put on a cheery act in order to avoid an awkward night. I am sure that I am not. I most definitely do not have the energy to engage in neither trivial conversation nor intellectual conversation. I am quite sure that tonight will be a bust and that it will be the last time I socialize in a number of weeks. I am sure that my mind will wander out of the conversation of the table to a place of windy shadows and ghosts of times past and haunting visions of times future. If I had my way I would not go out at all tonight, but stay in for what is probably the 12th night in a row and mindlessly watch tv until I decide to begin another restless and uncomfortable night, which will end with a pot of coffee to get me through tomorrow.
I know that the grief will someday end, that the windows will be thrown open, the wine will flow again, and the celebration will begin. But neither tonight nor tomorrow are that day. Let’s just get through this.