Sometimes when I’m really inspired by a homily I like to write either here or in my journal about it. I like to come up with beautiful and dramatic symbols and analogies of the faith in hopes to further inspire others or myself. Today was such a homily, but I realized something:
That isn’t where my soul is at right now. I’m not going to write a stupid and deep analogy about holiness and the priesthood of all believers. I’m not because I don’t feel it. I’m not because I’m not incorporating it into my soul. I’m in a desert right now. I don’t see anything beautiful around me. I can’t stand to look at myself and I out of shame, doubt, and fear I can’t stand to look at Christ. Right now everything is running dry. My prayers, my actions, the Mass, the Sacraments, everything. I hear but I can’t listen. I see but I can’t perceive. I am given gifts, but I can’t receive joy. And there I go, being dramatic again. A desert, hear/listen, see/perceive, gifts/joy.
Sometimes I just get so sick of the facades in Christianity, especially among Catholics. I get so tired of the shallowness. Have you prayed about it? Yes, I’ve freaking prayed about it. Have you spent time in Adoration? Yeah, I’ve spent tons of time in Adoration…awhile ago. You know that God loves you and will forgive you, right? Yeah, so I’ve been told. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m really struggling. Just because God is always good and loving does not mean that life is always bright and sunny. No, in fact, life pretty much sucks. Life is about the suckiest thing there is right now. In fact its been a long time since life was bright and sunny, no matter how good God is. You know, many of the Saints went through intense times of dry prayer, emptiness, and darkness, feeling abandoned by God. You should take consolation in that. Yeah, is if the thought of a future promise of peace and joy will expel the empty dryness of life. Have you ever stopped to think about how many would-have-been-saints also went through those same feelings, same tribulations, and didn’t come out as saints, but turned away and now burn in hell? Probably alot more than actually came out as saints. Then just choose God. Just choose to cooperate with him. Are you insane? That is a lot easier said than done.
Bottom line is…I don’t even remember why I started writing this post. There is a war right now for each of our souls. It just happens that I am currently in the worst part of the war, the part where you can’t remember a time when the war wasn’t happening, and the outlook is so grim that you see no end in sight, hopelessness.