This weekend I was in Fargo, and let me tell you, each time I come back to Bismarck it gets more and more difficult. The longer I am here and the more times I leave other more familiar places, the more desolate this town becomes to me. Each time I leave my friends I become more lonely. And in a few days, two of my best friends will be moving to the east coast. I don’t know what I’m going to do without them.
I’m not alone, either, in experiencing a decline in prayerfulness since moving here. On Friday, I will have been in Bismarck for three months. Do you know how many times I have been to daily Mass here? Three. Do you know how many times I would have gone to daily Mass in three months during college? At least 40 times. And I have been to Eucharistic Adoration even fewer times than I have been to daily Mass. Is it any wonder that my spiritual life is suffering, that I am experiencing a great lull in my relationship with God? What’s even worse is that it has been well over a year now since I have met with a spiritual director. I feel like my life is a great ship lost at sea. But I am all alone on this ship. I am unmotivated and unprepared to put the great sails up. And even if I could get them up and make my way across the slippery deck to the wheel, I wouldn’t know where to steer the ship anyway. I need direction. I can’t do this alone. My and my Bible just doesn’t cut it. The Bible can only take me so far. It can teach me what is good and right and moral, but it cannot tell me where I should go, what jobs I should take, what vocation God has deigned for me. For that I need prayer. I need time spent contemplating with Christ in the Holy Eucharist. I need to be able to dialogue about the fruits of my prayer with a holy and righteous priest who can help me to discern.
O Jesus, I thank you for this great grace; namely, that You Yourself have deigned to choose a confessor for me…O Jesus, I thank you for this great gift! And now when I hear people sometimes say that they have no confessor; that is to say, a director, fear takes hold of me, because I know very well how much harm I myself experienced with I did not have this help. It is so easy to go astray when one has no guide!
St. Maria Faustina Kowalska, Diary, 61
Great insight St. Faustina! I need to begin searching and praying for a spiritual director. If I don’t I may be harming myself and easily straying from the Lord.