Realization

 

So I went home with the intent of talking to my parents about East Asia. When it came to missions that was ALL that intended to talk about. We were talking about what I would do after school and I had not even brought East Asia up yet, and my mom mentioned that my aunt had told her that I was going to be a missionary after school. I froze. I had forgotten that I had written that in my SDSP follow up letter. I was not prepared to have the Interning/Stinting conversation with my parents yet, but I had to, now that it was out. I decided to just let my mom talk and I would listen. And boy did she have a lot to say, especially about Campus Crusade.

1. Campus Crusade really pushes summer projects (agreed)
2. Maybe just maybe that out of these thousands of kids who go, it may not really be God’s will for them to go.
3. Many missionaries do not have to worry about raising support themselves, they have organizations to do it for them.
4. There are kids from San Diego Project who still owe tons in support money and it is an unfair stress to add to their college lives
5. Campus Crusade is too broad of an organization. When you have so many people from so many denominations working together, with very different beliefs, it is hard, and the gospel I preach may not be the gospel I believe.

Honestly, these are some of the things that I have been thinking about lately too. I have been really troubled with the message being preached. It is too mushy, too much like they just are telling people what they want to hear. I have been feeling like it I am suffocating in Cru for a gospel I don’t agree with. I think that Cru is great for drawing non-believers in, but it is not a be-all-end-all. And I honestly can’t see myself being happy working for Crusade for the rest of my life. And as far as East Asia goes. I just can’t do it. I thought it was God’s will for me, but really it is Cru’s will for me. It would be financially irresponsible of me to go to East Asia this summer. It would be unfair of me to ask for more support from my family when my brother and sister may want to go on a missions trip in future summers.

My mom’s suggestion. I stay and work this summer, save my money and buy a car. Then I will be set to get myself to and from a job after school. And then, if I really want to be a missionary, I need to get more schooling and more training. And I need to get rooted in a church. Which she proceeded to ask me where I was going to church. Was not really ready to have that conversation with her either. I told her I had been going to a Catholic Church, really unsure of what she would say about that. Surprisingly she was not upset. She told me that it surprised her that I would go to a church that worshipped Mary and believed in Purgatory and stuff. Kind of made me uncomfortable to hear those misconceptions, even though it was exactly what I had said almost three months ago. She will be disappointed if I am not Baptist like she is (though I would love to argue with her about that, I felt that it would be inappropriate at the time), but that she wanted me to make the decision I felt was right.

So after this weekend I have had the following revelations:
1. Leading Bible Study in Cru is great.
2. I am most likely not going to East Asia this summer.
3. I will not be joining Crusade staff.
4. I still have no idea what my future looks like, but it looks different than it did before.

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