Last Fall

About this time last year I was head-over-heels for this girl I knew. I had never had a girlfriend before and so I did not have experience in handling these types of situations. But tonight in our men’s time, I shared my life map, and briefly mentioned it when I got to that point in my life, but they asked me more about it and it has brought to my attention the happenings of last year. I thought a little bit about it during project, too, but I have thought more and more about it tonight, and so, instead of writing my english paper, which is due in 14 hours, I will write this post, because until I do, it will bug me.

So I decided during the first week of school that this girl was really cute, really nice, and really out of my league. But after spending the weekend with her and our friends at Lifelight I decided that I wanted to pursue her, whatever that meant. I was so excited about the prospect of dating her that she was all I could think about, all the time. I would facebook her like 5 times every day and was, to be quite  honest, a creeper. Eventually I let it spill to a few people and then it was like the Exxon Valdez. Everyone seemed to know and I felt like all eyes were on me (though, probably few people even cared). I thought I was in the limelight and wanted to do everything right, but I didn’t know what that was, so I sat on my hands. For about five weeks. I had finally been working up the courage to ask her to hang out and stuff and then…BAM!

My plan was to eat dinner with her before I had to sit office in RJ. I was excited, I was going to tell her that I like her, though I was pretty sure she already knew. Then she comes in to the dining center with her roommate. I couldn’t say what I wanted to with her there! Dang it! But now I realize that she had planned it that way, because just moments before, one of my friends asked her out and from what I understand, she reluctantly said ‘yes’ and felt guilty because she was then going to go have dinner with me. I can’t blame anyone for the events of that night, because, well, there had been some lack of communication between all of us. Though I had told a lot of people by this time, I hadn’t told this particular friend of mine because deep down I had this nagging feeling that he liked her too, and I was right.

It was homecoming weekend when this happened and after I did office hours, her suitemate’s boyfriend, one of my good friends, told me what had happened. I was mad. I felt betrayed. Not only by my friend, but by her as well. It turned out to be a pretty crappy weekend (literally, I had to clean diarrhea off the bathrooms walls) for me and one that I have suppressed and not talked about in a long time. I gradually got over it and was pretty happy when I saw nothing materialize between him and her. And then, things gradually looked a little more hopeful for me! We were having fun at an early november football game and even flirting with each other. Suddenly it was just us and her roommate and I found myself on my way to go have pizza with her and her parents! I was meeting her parents and she told me that it was my chance to make a good impression! I was excited! Things were going somewhere. I thought I made a pretty good impression. Later that night we went for a walk, watched scary youtube videos while sharing my tiny desk chair, and it was good! This was all new to me, seeing as that I was the most socially inept chap in high school (long story). The next night we watched Footloose together and I was thinking, “holy crap, I really must have a chance, or else this wouldn’t be happening!” I think I was right. But you know what I did? Nothing. I was so nervous about screwing it up that I did nothing. When weeks earlier I felt like she had perhaps been leading me on, I found myself leading her on, though I was completely oblivious to it myself.

I wasted much time and by winter break she had lost interest and I had given up. My excuse was that I was too awkwaard around her. I decided to stop the pursuit. Of course with that dread of rejection gone, the nerves eased up and so then I was torn as to whethere or not to continue now in the spring semester. I suppose that I continued to lead her on through January and February. After spring break she started dating someone else, all out of the blue and that’s when it hit me that, well, I had blown it!

I wasn’t surprised. I hadn’t expected anything to go anywhere. But all I could think about for those few weeks were the moments we had had back in November that were so close to bringing us into a dating relationship.

I am totally fine now. Well, I guess that’s not true exactly. I don’t mean that I still wish we were in a relationship and enraged with jealousy, but not fine in the fact that none of us have talked these things out. I feel bad for leading her on and not gaurding her heart. I felt most convicted by this on project. I realized that sharing a chair and sitting super close to each other on my sofa/bed were bad in themselves, because they began to arouse in me (and probably her too) a connection, though each of us drew different feelings from those connections. For me, it may have been the physical desire, for her, maybe the hope that I would finally care enough about her to make it official. I feel bad for leading her on and not guaring her. And with my friend, we have never talked about the incident where he asked her out. I have no idea what he was thinking, feeling, or anything, and I’m sure he has no idea what I was doing either.

The three of us are friends now. She is happy in a relationship, he is happy, doing whatever (I don’t really know what he is thinking most of the time, he is mysterious), and me, well, I am happier now than I have been, trying to do God’s will and thinking about what I will do differently this time around in my current pursuit.

I know that I need to talk to my friend what happened and I probably need to talk to the girl too. It’s just really hard, really stressful to think about that conversation, and will, quite frankly, be really awkwaard as well. I just needed to get this out, though, now and begin preparing myself for these conversation(s) whenever they may happen.