Much of this probably won’t make sense, but a lot of things are being brought up and God has totally taken a sledgehammer to my heart and is rebuilding it one piece at a time, and most of it is quite painful. For one, each day, I am reminded of what a true wretch I am, and therefore the gift of eternal life through Christ is magnified and becomes more loving and merciful and big than ever before. I honestly think that the next time it is magnified I will be moved to tears. It is so emotionally draining to truly realize how horrible and deserving of death you are and then to realize that someone could bring redemption to that. And I still cannot stop thinking about those children in Tiajuana. I keep thinking about Mexico and I can’t help but think that maybe just maybe God is calling me there. And then I think about this relationship with a girl back at school that I really want to start. I haven’t talked to her about it, but I have talked to God about it, but I haven’t been listening. Tonight I realized, though, that it may not happen. I mean, it could, but I’m just not sure that we have the same callings in life. We both have an intense passion for Jesus, but I think that those passions are leading us both in different directions, though I can’t be sure. All I know is that Jesus has to be number one in my life.
Like I said, what God is doing to my heart is painful. He is tearing it apart and taking my will and conforming it with his and it is requiring a lot of self-sacrifice on my part, none of which is comparable to what God has done for me, but it still hurts nonetheless. Yeah, that is really what I have been thinking about of late.